It's Not What It Seems

I miss companionship, love, warmth and that look in someone's eyes that loves you. Sometimes, I wonder if I ever really truly felt that before, though.


My ex fiancé wasn't the most warm person at times. Actually, he was a hateful, bipolar alcoholic with severe abandonment issues. Hmm... a bulimarexic and a bipolar alcoholic. Not exactly your most loving and functional relationship.

Since 2006, I've pretty much been alone. I have had a few flings, but nothing overly serious. The "L" word has essentially terrified me. It's not something that I say easily, if at all. True, I say it to my friends and my family, but towards another person, I haven't really felt the need. There was one time somewhat recently, but that ended just as quickly as it started - via an instant message.

So, yes, it's not what it all seems. It's not that I would love to have that companionship, but I'm scared to be hurt yet again. As a matter of fact, it really sucks. Sometimes, I wonder what wart grows on my head that makes me so undesirable to guys. Is it that I'm smart, intellectual and can do what they do just as well and sometimes better? Is it my will and my drive to be the best I can be? Is it my rough and tumble nature of being hard as nails (and no, not the kind that grow on fingers) that turns them off? Is it my 5" heels, my education degrees, my condo, my car and my motorcycle? Is it because I have everything that I want and I have worked hard for it all myself? Is it my cultural tolerance? Is it because of where I grew up? Is it my desire to be the best I can be? Is it because I am who I am and I am strong already in myself?

Personally, I thought that these were all traits that someone would want, but for some reason, they are the perfect soil that grows that damn wart on my forehead. But, am I going to change, be the meek, small, needy female? No, I am going to continue to be that strong, willful and driven person that I have always been.

Without that drive, without that willfulness, I would not be here today. I would be that perfectly successful anorexic - dead. But, I'm not, I'm alive and I love me. I just wish sometimes that God would just knock on my door with Mr. Right there with a letter in his hand from God saying:

Dear Empy, 

This is the man that I have chosen for you. He will love you as much as you love him. He will take care of your emotional needs, he will be there when you are down, and be beside you when you are going forward. He will lead you in both of your walks with Me. He is the man that I have chosen to be your life long mate, partner, lover, best friend and buddy. 

Love, 

God

If only things were that easy. Thanks, God, I'll just keep pestering you like my mom has for my life and career.

So, it's not what it seems. I do want to be in a loving relationship, but rather than forcing it, I've been doing what I can to keep my mind off of it. Martial arts training, work, God, and enjoying time with myself, my friends and my friends' kids and, well, blogging.


Ta Ta For Now,

Empy