Who Wants A Massage?

I don't, and I will tell you why I don't. It's not like they don't feel good, because most of the time they don't for me. As a matter of fact, they generally hurt and make me feel very uncomfortable. But there's more.

I was talking with someone today about massages. He's not the only person that thinks that I'm totally weird on this subject. But, it goes deeper than just not liking them because they hurt. I'm sure that if I had gone in-depth about why I don't,  he'd find me even more strange, really. Since we're not romantically involved, I suppose I will just keep it to myself and post it here... anonymously.

Why I don't want a massage. It takes trust to lie down, half naked on a bed or table, or whatever. It takes a huge amount of control away from me. I don't like to feel that I don't have control. And I don't like to have to entrust my body to someone else. To me, a massage is just that. It's a massage. It's not your turn to molest me because you have no self control. The last time I had a massage from someone, bad things went through my mind, and weeks later, it all came to fruition. I knew what was going on, and I didn't like it. I got NOTHING out of it. He certainly got what he wanted out of it.. me? I was just kind of left there...

So, trust. Trust to have someone touch me like that takes a lot. It takes trust that bad things won't happen, it takes trust that I won't be degraded or used. It takes trust that I won't be mistreated. And all that trust was tossed out the window some time ago. So, if I say, "No thank you," don't take it the wrong way. Just know that you haven't reached that part of my trust yet, especially if we're romantically involved.

For some reason, I still have those walls up in certain areas. I'm not sure why. But, I suppose when the time comes, I'll let that other person know how I feel about certain things. Gaining my trust takes a lot. I may seem like a super nice and trusting person at first, but if you look really deep, how much am I really saying to you? Not a whole lot? Just stories, words, and very few thoughts. How often do you really actually hear me say how I feel on the emotional side? Not very. Why? Trust. And since that trust has been bulldozed so many times, all I have to say is good luck unlocking that part of me.

This is fine for me here. You don't know me, and I don't know you. :-D I can leave those little thoughts around and feel safe about it.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Empy