Why It Is

Here's The Start
People are always wondering why I'm not married. I'm 32 and nearing 33 very quickly. I have been engaged once, sans a ring though. But, as we can tell, that never worked out. He was/is a bipolar alcoholic with severe abandonment issues. So yeah, that wasn't going to last.



Since going to Mississippi in 2007 for 3 months and coming back out from there, I have dated. I dated some people and have noticed that they really like me in the beginning, but they seem to waver off and stop talking to me, and, well, they just stop communicating all together. I'll premise it with this... I thought I was ready to take the plunge and really find someone.

After dating and meeting guys, it never really seemed to work out. So, I kind of stopped. I've met some really cool people along the way and we have remained friends. One such guy is now my roomie at the current time.


Here's A Beginning
Life started to finally take a turn for the better and I got back into my career about a year and a half after coming back from Mississippi . I met a guy. We started to hang out. We went out on some dates and things were working pretty well. He was also my very first Valentine ever. Guess how old I was... 31. Wow.. sad. Things were going pretty well for a while and then he just stopped contacting me. Plus, he stopped returning phone calls, text messages, emails, disappeared on instant messages ... gone.

Funny thing happened... we became friends again. I told him I got a motorcycle and then he wanted to get his own. I introduced him to my motorcycle instructor and when he got his bike, my instructor gave him some lessons. Things were going pretty well with us. We were hanging again. Things were going well.

A friend of mine came down to see me and show me his new car. This guy knew and he wanted me to be his girlfriend again. Honestly, I thought that I was "in love." So, I balked, thought, and then said "yes" in about 20 seconds. Took me some time. Should have realized that it wasn't going to work.. for the 2nd time.

Oh well, so it didn't work out, but we have remained friends and he's asked for forgiveness. Fine, cool. All good. He's happy now, calls once in a while and we chat every now and again.

Now It Gets Hairy
Time goes on.. I meet a few others and they weren't going to happen. Then, "WHAM!" Mr. Perfect comes along. Gorgeous, awesome, smart, sort of geeky, interesting, and totally what I thought what I wanted. I was taken aback. We hit it off well and things were going awesome. We had some fun times together, shared the same likes in music and activities. Everything was going great. I even started to work out again and I found some Martial Arts that I thought he and I could go out and do.

So, those Martial Arts ... I started. I did 7 hours of training my first week and was hooked. I loved it and I wanted to share it. However, that Saturday, Mr. Perfect decided that he wanted to not be in a relationship. Bam. I trained that day, was hot and sweaty, was ready to put on my "little black dress" and go out on a real date. But, not so much. I was on my Crackberry on my YIM and he broke up with me. I was devastated. I didn't know what else to do. After telling him that I was going to be there for him as a friend, I picked up my pieces, took a shower and went out with the rest of the people that I trained with that day.

So, this is "Why It Is"

I haven't looked back since that day. I have started something that I love. It's all for me. It's all for my balance. It's exercise for my body, soul, mind and need for learning. It's not only defensive training, but it has become a little something else.. defensive training against being involved again.

I work, I train. I work and I train. I train and I work. Screw the manicures, pedicures and the near overly obsessive personal maintenance. I am me. I am going to do what I want to do and I am leaving the whole relationship thing up to God. I'm done trying to find someone to try to make me happy. Why? Because I can make ME happy and I can be happy with God, my family and me. I have decided that training and work are more important to me than to try to find "The Guy." It's over. It's done. I have tried, others have tried and it's all failed.

I am someone that has been through a lot. This, that, the other thing and those things that nearly killed me. I don't need someone that is going to smite me, berate me, or belittle me. Avoidance is a good tactic, and a tactic that I have been honing. Great, we can hang out, but you can go home. Great, we can hang out and I will, again, go home alone. Trust has been tossed out of the window and wont' be seen again. After my shoulder surgery last year, I can throw pretty long and hard. And that ball has been thrown long and wild.

I do things on purpose just to show my obstinate nature, my willingness to be stubborn, and I think that much of it has to do with throwing guys off to show my independence. I can very well take care of myself. I have been and will continue to do so. Finding an equal is nearly impossible.

This is my way to explain myself to others as well as me.  I have no other outlet to talk about how I feel. Everyone else seems to think that I am there counselor or psychologist. So, this is where I will talk about who I am, what I am and where I am going. This is me. This is what I am going through. This is no longer a blog about who I am meeting (which I am sure I will talk about here and there), but about what I am going through from day to day. Month to month.

From here on out, this is about me. Thank you, God, for giving me that, and forgiving me as a whole.

So, this is Why It Is.