Changing The Past

Sometimes, I just wish that I could change what I did in the past. Change what I did, change how I did things.


But, if I did that, where would I be now? What would I be now? I think about these things because I'm unemployed and have been since July 2nd, 2010 and I am not really seeing an end to this current demise. I am running out of money fast, too.

At one point, I was engaged to a man who was a severe alcoholic who was also bi polar and had some severe abandonment issues. I can only imagine what my life would have been like then. But, when I think back further, I wonder what I would have been if I had been more studious in college, hadn't gone to so many raves, hadn't become and addict and had never been anorexic or bulimic.

But, if I had changed all those things, where would I be? I don't think that I would be the strong person that I am today. I wouldn't charge myself to keep going to to martial arts training, I wouldn't be talking to these companies that I have been, and I wouldn't be here for my mom, either. All of my past is what makes me who I am today.

Sometimes, some of us just have to take the long road to get where we want to be. In all of this, I am closer to God, too, even though I'm pretty irritated with the amount of patience that He has been teaching me. I'm hanging by a mere thread, it's cutting my hand and fingers, but I'm still hanging on to the hope that I will one day be able to find a company that I can call "home."

Another thing that strikes me is the overindulgence of some people, too. I have overcome eating disorders and a drug addiction, but some people just can't seem to simply get over themselves. They take the easy road in the thought that it will "fix" some of their problems. It's not that simple. I know a couple of people that are morbidly obese and eat like they are high schoolers on the football team. One has had a LapBand installed, but will still eat 20 wings. The other claims that if he looses weight, he will "loose his muscle tone." It sickens me and I just want to scream, "Look at what you're doing to yourself! Look at what you have become! Stop putting bandaids on your psyche and your problems and work on what needs to be worked on - Your Self!" But, alas, I keep my mouth shut and try to be an example of self control, self confidence, and having dignity.

So, in all this, I wouldn't want to change the way that I have done things in the past. It has made me the warrior that I am in my life. A survivor. A person. I have dignity. I am myself. I feel myself. I know myself. Of all the people that I know, there are very few of us who can truly say that they are warriors in their lives, have lived life and can continue to live life.

Thanks, everyone! I'll try to post more of what's going on, too.


~~ Empy